What is God's definition of forgiveness?

Question

I have wrestled with this topic for years and have come to all sorts of conclusions along the way. Please, I'm searching for what others perceive is God's definition of forgiveness.

If we are wronged terribly by someone, is it "ok" if there is always a bit of us that is guarded when it comes to talking/thinking/interacting with that person?

We may not feel anger or wish them any harm, but as a human being it sometimes feels almost impossible to forget the hurt that has been caused by someone else.

Answer 1

I'd like to offer a different interpretation on this. I'm not going to back it up with Bible verses, you can do the legwork yourself if you want to pursue the issue further:

What is forgiveness?

I'd say it is liberating someone from the the 'debt' of whatever offence they committed against you.

When should I forgive?

(Here we depart from the 'folk orthodox' position)

The question needs to be rephrased to "when can I forgive?".

And the answer is: when the offender has asked for forgiveness, and "brought forth fruits worthy of repentance". Forgiveness is a transaction between the offender and the victim; you can't perform that transaction with just one person at the table.

Note that we're talking big, soul-destroying offences here, not "he looked at me funny on Sunday morning". (Longanimity is not a word we use much, but Christians could do with learnin' up on it).

How should I forgive?

There are basically three cases. The first two pose no problem; it's the last one we may disagree on:

1. Offence occurs, offender realises, asks forgiveness, makes reparation, you forgive*
2. Offence occurs, offender oblivious, you approach them, offender realises, asks forgiveness, makes reparation, you forgive*
3. Offence occurs, offender oblivious, you approach them, offender ignores you or worse: denies everything, blames you, etc.

What can you do in the third case? You can't forgive, but you don't want to carry the worry of that unpaid debt around with you all the time.

You need a professional debt collector. Hand him all the paperwork, and get on with your life. Like Jesus: "He committed Himself to Him who judges righteously".

This is where we make the distinction between 'forgiving' and 'letting go': find someone you can trust, tell them (or write them a letter) about the offence, tell them about the consequences, perform some symbolic act (burn the letter), pray, let it go*.

^{*I.e. your work starts here...}

How can I forgive?!

The message of the Gospel is clear: as offence calls for repentance, repentance calls for forgiveness. There's no wriggle room.

But that doesn't mean instant forgiveness (which risks being as empty and meaningless as a flippant "sorry!"), nor does it mean that the offender has a "right" to be forgiven. There is nothing more perverse than turning a victim into an offender because of their 'unreadiness' to forgive (even more so if there is no repentance).

There are verses (forgive as you have been forgiven) which I believe can become more than trite platitudes, if you let them in. But ultimately, if you are in this situation, there's not much some guy pontificating on a website can do for you. You need a flesh-and-blood someone to see you through, someone you can trust to shut up and listen, to understand, to encourage.

That person may not be your pastor/priest.

What about reconciliation?

It seems obvious that in the case where the offender refuses to recognise the offence, reconciliation is impossible. But what about in the other cases? Should you forgive and forget? Can you forgive and forget?

I don't see how you could literally forget. What you can do is cease to ruminate - but that takes time. 'Letting go' is a first step, but there will probably be many lettings go.

As for real reconciliation, that will depend on many factors. I don't see how it can be considered an obligation: if trust has been betrayed, it can't just be turned back on. Whatever happens, I'd say that it is impossible for the relationship to go back to what it was before (if there was a relationship before), and again, it will take time.

All of this takes time, but time is standing still until you can forgive, or let go.

Finally

If you are reacting against this 'redefinition' of forgiveness, you may feel more comfortable calling my letting go 'forgiveness', and my forgiveness 'reconciliation'.

Some associated (googled) reading

• The True Power of Repentance and Forgiveness
• How do you define forgiveness in the absence of repentance? (pdf)
• Forgiveness: Another View
• No Forgiveness For The Unrepentant

Answer 2

Jesus said to be "as wise as serpents, but as gentle as lambs.". Being a Christian does not mean checking our brains at the door when it comes to interacting with the world. Indeed, we are often called to be "discerning."

My interpretation of that word is this - forgiveness doesn't mean forgetfulness.

We can still be guarded when dealing with others, and if they are looking like they are truly changing, give them more trust. When John Mark left Paul, for example, Paul initially said not to trust him. It wasn't until the end of his ministry that Paul changed his mind, mostly on the evidence of a track record.

Forgiveness would imply giving people a chance to make amends - to be different - but it doesn't imply an open invitation for somebody to demand trust that is not warranted by their behavior.

Answer 3

My understanding of it is this:

Both emotions and the will are involved in forgiveness and resentment. We are not fully in control of our emotions (as part of our fallen nature) but we are fully in control of our will.

The exhortation to forgive others ("forgive those who trespass against us") is referring to the will. God will not ask us to do something impossible, like exert full control over our emotions. So you may indeed be guarded with someone who has hurt you in the past. But the question is whether you nurse the resentment or make a conscious effort to forgive.

Matthew 18:21-22 New American Standard

21 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

I have heard this interpreted as not only applying to future wrongs the person does, but also to the same wrong over and over. Sometimes we have to make multiple efforts to forgive people because our emotions keep influencing us to resent the person. But Jesus is telling us to be persistent with ourselves.

Answer 4

This is far from a complete answer to "what is forgiveness", but just to address one portion of your question: I don't think that forgiving someone means that you cannot take steps to protect yourself from further harm. Like if my neighbor robs my house, forgiving him does not mean that I do not lock my doors, or that I trust him with my ATM card and password.

I think forgiveness does mean that I do not punish the guilty person or demand that he be punished, and that I do not repeatedly bring up the offense. Complete forgiveness would mean that you do not demand any penalty at all. A lesser forgiveness would be to accept whatever penalty or compensation has already been taken as sufficient.

For example, suppose your neighbor breaks into your garage and steals your lawnmower. You discover it was him. You confront him and he gives back the lawnmower and apologizes profusely. Forgiveness would be to accept his apology, not press charges, and never bring the matter up again. The greatest forgiveness of all would be to tell him to keep the lawnmower.

Answer 5

Forgiveness means not holding ANYTHING at all against them. It's 100%. You wish them the best, you hope they grow to know Jesus. You pray for them because you love them. This in fact is what we are commanded to do to even our worst enemy. The guy who raped and killed your daughter.

I am not able to do that myself, not even close. But that is what Jesus would do, and what we should aim for.

In regards to being "guarded". That is different. Jesus said "don't throw your pearls to the pigs". You got to know who the pigs are to beware of them. But just because you know someone is say, a murderer, doesn't mean you hate them or judge them as closer to hell than you yourself are. Imagine if you visited him in a cell, you might tell him, "brother, you got to stay in here cause you might kill someone". But at the same time your heart goes out to him and you put your arm around his back and pray with him.